January 2006
Come a cropper – Since I could never make myself understood in the ambiguous but admittedly rich language of amatory secretions and chemical signals, I've turned instead to a personally unique combination of colognes,
Isn't it great to exist – According to Richard Dawkins my inevitable death makes me one of the lucky ones. I and everyone else who managed, against all odds, to come into existence, we the exceedingly improbable ones, members
January 2005
A few things I cannot do – In a wilderness, ascertain my general location using the stars, the sun, remote or nearby geological elements, or any other visual suggestions short of a large and easy-to-understand map or sign; whis
A little jumpy – I've been alone in the house the last few days, although it will be repopulated with various benign organisms later tonight or tomorrow. Naturally my head goes a little strange when I'm left to my own
Circle of pullers – Since I have a little problem with people who are confident and have their shit together (hatred), I've been thinking of joining one of the many support groups that regularly advertise for new members
Cold snap – My bedroom is a forbiddingly chilly place to be, let me tell you, and in winter it's also really cold in there. I think the house's heating is frightened off by the challenge of my room, it retreats b
Sexy universe – You are fine, what did you say your name is again? Mm. You got a way aboutcha, no lie. I like the way you cuuuuuuuurve so seductively around massive objects, baby, and I am dying to see how much you c
January 2004
A possible scenario involving obsessive-compulsive tendencies – First, unbox a microwave entree, slit the plastic film as instructed, place the entree in the oven, set the timer, and press Start. This amount of time, the timer figure, will not be consciously thoug
Banquet on a bun – I've just spent the last three hours doing several things at once: re-writing and expanding a humorous piece for submission someplace as yet undetermined, sniffling continuously from an allergy attack
Be quiet – What do I say when I talk to myself? I didn't always talk to myself, at least not out loud. Then again talking to yourself internally is basically what thinking is, or part of what thinking is, so tha
Birds of America – My friend C joined a book group, which is not something I would've imagined her ever doing, but I can understand the impulse. I don't know how long the group lasted, or how many times she went, but on
Boo hoo – I haven't cried in a good long while, I think it's time for some fresh sobbing. I wouldn't say that I cry easily or don't cry easily, on the bell curve of human weeping frequency I would probably fall
Empty frame – The problem with never cleaning your room is that objects take on certain archaeological qualities, the passage of time haunts the most ordinary things. I don't really want to be reminded of time's in
Fruit – I am not a huge fan of fruit for the most part. There's something about the juicy plumpness of fruit that repels, something about its queasy reproductive associations is occasionally disturbing. Fruit
Gut level – A very slight disturbance in or variation from the normal state of my body has a greater impact on my state of mind than nearly anything said to me by other people. Is everyone like this? For example,
Hot black love – Sugar, Equal, Sweet'N Low. White, Blue, Pink: the three colors of the flag of Coffee Nation. And the flagpole is the little red stirrer. Of course coffee purists take it black and will never go back.
Human resources – For a few years I lived in New Haven, Connecticut, while my then-boyfriend was in a graduate program at Yale. If you're not attending Yale, New Haven is pretty much a depressing shithole. There's a lo
Little acrobat – For me, conversation is a daredevil act, a personally risky performance not less daring than that of a trapeze artist or Philippe Petit walking on a wire between soaring highrises. In conversation I a
My bent book – I am fussy about many things, all of them trivial. To be fussy about non-trivial things, important things, is of course never called fussiness but rather something with less of a ring of pettiness abo
My fear of life – There was a time when I was scared of everything. This feeling abated as I got older and was mostly gone by the time I was grown and old enough to realize the full extent of everything in life there i
My impossible boy – My weekend away, while pleasurable and even "fun," was a lesson in the essential comic sadness of life. Here on the west coast anyway, maybe they see it differently back east. I don't know anyone else
My kind of universe – The discovery of those extra galaxies shouldn't surprise anyone. By now we've come to expect such shattering announcements buried in the more obscure areas of the New York Times, right next to the art
My nagging cough is a boon to public safety – New Year's Eve. What am I, of all people, doing sitting at home writing instead of going out somewhere and having a simply fabulous time or pretending to have one in order to fit in? I know. But the f
My new pants – Today I went pants shopping. For me to shop for clothes is an extremely rare event, and not a happy occasion but rather one characterized by uncertainty and a kind of free-floating sorrow. I am not co
My plan – My clever strategy to triumph against the forces of pessimism is to treat it as a war of attrition. I intend simply to outlive my own feelings of permanent disappointment. This suits the non-partygoin
No epiphanies – Beware of anyone who claims to have had an "epiphany" about their life or anyone who speaks of a moment of startling clarity when it all made sense, who mentions the "path" they've undertaken, or thei
No growth initiative – As someone stubbornly stuck in his cranky ways, I feel that too much importance is placed on so-called personal growth. I'd like to see the pendulum swing back toward an appreciation of stability and
No wanderlust – I have the least amount of wanderlust of anyone I've ever known. Of course I didn't personally know Emily Dickinson, say, or Franz Kafka. When I lived in San Francisco friends would tell me, in the vo
Not born yesterday – Here are some things I've said to myself today: 1. Oh come on. 2. Spare me. That might work on other people, but I wasn't born yesterday you know. And don't give me that look. 3. Don't even. What do
Pencils down – Until today my prospects for 2004 were looking a little bleak. Then I noticed that it's a leap year. That one extra day, I decided, is going to make all the difference. You know, like when you're taki
Quicksand – When you find something disturbing in a deep, unspeakable way, people often say that you "have a big problem" with it, especially if you're a child. We know what is meant even though the words are all
Road trip – In a few hours, in the sickening hour before dawn, we're heading out on a little road trip, and will return Monday. The others are sleeping, which is what I should be doing, but of course I'm not beca
Road trip – Everyone knows that not all silences are created equal. Different silences have different qualities and provoke wildly different emotional responses. One of my favorite silences is the one that occurs
Tears are in your eyes – One thing that happens in movies that I wish would happen more in real life is when someone's laughter turns to tears. One moment a character is laughing uproariously and then suddenly it's like a swi
The amazing world of the human body – My eyes just refuse to cooperate. Their latest complaint is that the pages in this one particular book are too white. I've said that about bars, radio stations, crowded movie theaters, city buses, act
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augusts