August 2005
Anti-pie – My word vocabulary always ran ahead of my phrase vocabulary, causing hilarious confusions. I'm sure it's typical. Baby formula, ham radio, spare ribs. Speaking of spare ribs, food vocabulary never ali
Audiolatry – I was hearing nothing but lies so I went to the audiologist. "I need a hearing aid," I told him. "Someone part-time." Right away I noticed the comeliness of his auricles. His otoscope brusquely helped
Burned in effigy – If an angry crowd were to fashion a likeness of me, to go to all that trouble, I would be so flattered that I suspect it would not bother me very much at all to subsequently see myself burned in effig
Carriage trade – The body demands arrangement. I make only perfunctory efforts when momentarily hidden from view, or sometimes I'll completely collapse as if internally detonated then rally back to full-on posture. I
Death never comes and neither do I – I've fallen behind on my orgasms, there's a bottleneck occurring. I'm Lucy Ricardo comically struggling with the chocolates on the conveyor belt, except instead of chocolate candies think daubs of spu
Future tot – I shouldn't boast but the scope of my childhood school anxiety was legendary. Guidance counselors in three counties used my fear as a clinical yardstick in assessing other students, a handy Terror Abs
Homebody – I am, or have become, a homebody, meaning that even though I stay at home just about as much as I used to, now I do it more comfortably. I like being at home. I am frequently miserable at home, but no
Powerful eruption – In a moment of quietude I tried to feel myself living but I ended up just turning myself on. I was promised libidinal waning after age eighteen but sadly I've seen no evidence of diminishment. I am tr
Return of the re-pressed – I like to think of time as the degenerative illness that picks up murderous momentum when it senses weakening passivity in its victim. Time is being punished for doing anything at all and punished eve
Rocket from the crypt – Several recent incidences of sociability, a swing of the pendulum from a prior period of holing up. I always think fresh hiding will turn out to be terminal, the final retreat preceding social algor m
Standing room – More and more often I find myself standing up. I read standing up, I think standing up, I do nothing standing up. I either pace or stand motionless. Sometimes I stand in one place but with a very slig
Such characters – I don't care for character development in novels. When reading a novel, I prefer not to be subjected to the development of characters. Do not inflict character development on me, I'll bristle. This mi
August 2004
Anticipation – I love lists of forthcoming releases and coming attractions, calendars of exciting new pleasures. I pore over them in a manner which can be described as masturbatory. Such lists locate happiness where
Artistic accomplishments in dimension X – My controversial play "The Screech Owl" is greeted with hoots of derision upon its premiere, the cast members pelted with cabbages and double A batteries. This humiliating incident is taken up as a ca
Bad neighbor – Last night we discovered another care package from our neighbor, left on the back porch. Wine, beer, assorted cheeses. Gestures like this only serve to reinforce my fear of neighbors, my dislike of th
Bed bath and beyond – Having a floofy white dog means doing more laundry, as he leaves fur everywhere. Today I washed a blanket and a duvet cover (whatever that is), and when I went to transfer them to the dryer I ran into
Connection refused – "Wake up. Are you awake? I'm sorry to call so late." "Hello? What’s going on? What time is it? Oh, it's you. Wait, what time is it? What’s the matter?" "I'm shaking. I had a dream, you were in it. "
Cumrag – As sort of a weekend crafts project, I'm ruthlessly excising useless parts of my personality and restitching the remaining tatters into something small and humble but more useful, like turning a decre
I am not an animal – Tonight I went to the catalogue release party for Core Sample, the series of exhibitions of visual art in Portland that was staged last year. The catalogue is published by Clear Cut Press, whose edito
Piece of cake – I was watching this Vittorio De Sica movie, Umberto D., a '52 Italian neorealist film about an old man being evicted from his room, and it struck me that the girl who plays the teenage maid in his bui
Rambling and disjointed and nearly incoherent – Every now and then it occurs to me how little I care about most literary news and gossip. I love books and I love to read but I don't care about the culture at all, probably out of simple bitterness a
Ribald – The ice cream truck around here plays "The Entertainer" by Scott Joplin, just the main melody over and over, pitilessly and without conscience, so naturally I think about The Sting, which that tune fi
Smiling and laughing – W recently saw some photographs of me and noted with surprise that I was smiling. When people who haven't met me think of me (a rare occurrence, granted) they must envision a scowling and unapproachab
Tonight was a Cackling Jesus – I like to narrate personal events as they unfold, just privately in my own mind. It gives even mundane occurrences a feeling of suspense and significance. I could be waiting in line for the next avail
What to think about while alive – It's a known fact that if you spend a lot of time (more than ninety seconds) contemplating the mystery of your own existence, you will become confused and disquieted, then alarmed and panic-stricken (
August 2003
75% calm – Three of my four eyelids can be counted on to behave. The fourth is occasionally prone to unruliness, fluttering and trembling and vibrating, usually at the most inopportune moment imaginable, such as
Check please (tray of despair) – I remember meeting a guy in a club once, years ago, back when I still thought fun was a reasonable goal. I declined an invitation to go back to his place, but I did give him my number. We hooked up a
Cinema of homo panic – I believe one underexploited cinematic microgenre is the wonderful world of gay pulps. These were gloriously sleazy, about as un-PC as can be, and still ripe for movie versions. I see a mixture of noi
Crusty planchette – It's not easy being a Ouija planchette, especially for someone who doesn't like being touched by strangers. Other game pieces have it easy, they might not even get selected, whereas I'm the center of
Dear diary – Still trying to turn the fact of existence to my advantage. Good sandwich today. More later if I don't fall asleep on the couch.
Don't think about it – In the future, a moment will come when thousands of air conditioners plummet from their windows at the precise instant that a critical conjunction of individual minds simultaneously worry that they ar
Four fake movie titles with animal themes – Manatee Summer Conspiracy of Aphids Deathscream 2: Day of the Pony G.O.R.I.L.L.A.
Free-floating nonspecific compunction flash – Tonight as I walked past a gas station and inhaled deeply (I've always loved the smell of gas stations), this sorrowful thought popped into my head: Well, I've really made a mess of things. The fun
I might survive – It's always been a dream of mine to be the sole survivor of a spectacular disaster, like a plane crash or train derailment. I always envision myself staggering from the wreckage amid smoldering chunks
Leave me alone, no wait come back – The blandishments of a social life have the remarkable ability to seem repellant one day and seductive the next. There's a cute article in Salon about the pleasures of being a loner, which is designed
Mood pivot – As a veteran fussbudget I am only too familiar with the psychological phenomena of Making Something Out Of Nothing and Letting One Tiny Setback Ruin Everything, although I'm a lot more easygoing than
More reality TV – Have you heard about the new syndicated reality show planned for fall? On Befriend That Minor Celebrity, two contestants, culled from a vast cross section of ordinary nobodies, compete to worm their w
Mystery spot – What I can only describe as aggressive insomnia last night/this morning. I was so far from sleep that I nearly had to remind myself that I was indeed lying in bed and not running around the block with
No closure – Let's agree to refrain from using the word "closure" in the emotional sense. "He needs to heal and get some closure." It's a cliche, of course, but more importantly it doesn't mean anything and never
Nouns – People: Move about and make sounds, usually for no reason. Warm to the touch, except for the very old. A mixed bag, generally speaking. Places: Locations and areas. Many places serve food. Things: Ta
Now, voyeur – The bane of my old studio apartment was the bathroom. Tiny, almost no light, decrepit fixtures that brought to mind third world prisons, someplace Brad Davis would vomit after being tortured by sadist
Nowhere road – As a teenager I was under the common romantic impression that my life would follow a comprehensible trajectory, like a narrative vector of some kind. I considered myself mature to realize that there w
Personal archaeology – Beneath my crusty but endearing public persona there lurks another me, an easygoing, come as you are, "hey let's run down to the lake" kind of me, that only my closest intimates get to see. Beneath th
The hot new trend in publishing – With the wild success of the Harry Potter franchise, publishers of books for children and young adults are scrambling to get a share of the pie. They have been dismayed to discover, however, that chea
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