I hope in a few decades to become a truly world class Disagreeable Old Man. It's a role I think I was born to fulfill. I even think I'm capable of contributing something new to the personality type. First, however, the fundamentals. Here are some basic elements I'm thinking of incorporating into my persona, once this whole young and sexy thing I'm into now becomes tiresome:

• Describing burning sensation or sensations in pointless detail to every pharmacist in town
• Inappropriately displaying evidence of a grotesquely persistent and otiose libido
• Having crankily emphatic opinions about a few pet topics, like for instance the evils of fluoridation, voiced with pummelling regularity to anyone who commits the fatal error of making even the briefest eye contact
• Visiting the laundromat without laundry and making the young people there uncomfortable
• Sending hundreds of letters to major corporations complaining about the poor quality of their convenience food products, especially ConAgra Inc., makers of Chef Boyardee Beefaroni, Banquet Salisbury Steak, and Van Camp's Pork and Beans