My grand jury testimony is probably going to be leaked to the press anyway, so I might as well come clean right here and admit that in the past I've used performance enhancing drugs to improve my writing results. Steroids, there I said it. Listen, you don't know the pressure I'm under. There are so many websites and blogs, MFA programs galore, everyone's a fucking writer these days. Too often I found myself with something to say but the expression was simply eluding me; I'd get so close but success was always just out of reach. A little boost, that's all I needed. Meanwhile other sites were updating like crazy, new material every day, even several times a day. Such an intense competitive atmosphere combined with the easy availability of steroids in the shadowy writing subculture made my resistance crumble. I was weak. I wanted to be the best and let's face it, hard work and industry were never my strong suit. I wanted better results and I wanted them immediately.

I won't tell you what writing of mine was produced under the influence of steroids. Savvy readers can most likely figure it out: sudden leaps in prose quality, from clumsy and leaden to sparkling and practically jumping off the page, it's right there for anyone to see. The thing is, in retrospect I don't think I ever needed drugs to produce quality work, it was some kind of mania that took on a life of its own. But of course I can't prove that, everything I've ever written has come under a cloud and what's done is done. Some of my best work will now undoubtedly carry ghostly asterisks in the minds of bitterly disillusioned readers who thought my creativity was 100% natural. So be it. For what it's worth I'm clean now, what with the new random testing program administered by the same independent outside agency that's been ensuring drug-free spelling bees since that wave of ugly bee scandals in the mid nineties. Besides, would I dare to continue juicing under the intense glare of public scrutiny? They have surveillance cameras on the carrels down at the library now for chrissakes. And look here, enough with the humiliating photo analyses of my supposedly enlarged head. My head has always been pretty enormous.