Upon interpretation of the raw data, it was determined that an unacceptable number of my test erections were Mildly to Moderately Psychotic in nature. Several prophylactic measures were recommended, including an experimental procedure then under development under the auspices of the federally-funded Preventive Entombments Neutralize Illegal Swellings program. After a battery of true/false questionnaires and themed clusters of simple agree/disagree statements were completed under the watchful eye of a proctor named Amber, a jury of recent college graduates from a state university in a warm, dry climate deemed my personality "unappealing and unlikely to enable success." A blue ribbon panel concluded that my intelligence is "meretricious," with certain commonsense countermeasures suggested, including but not limited to matriculation at a state university in a warm, dry climate.

After murmured consultation among all Program Track Leaders, the decision was made to separate me permanently from Brownie the teddybear as a crucial first step in facilitating mature independence from small, cute things.