I've been asked to speak about the pending fiasco but I seem to have misplaced my prepared remarks, my rubber-banded collection of index cards containing my prepared remarks, and so it's left to me to speak extemporaneously about the pending fiasco since I have forgotten exactly one hundred percent of my prepared remarks, not one single word of my prepared remarks is at this moment available to my conscious mind, due to my overpowering fear of public speaking generally and terror of podia specifically. Lecterns, daises, any raised platform from which one addresses an attentive crowd whether a seated crowd or a standing crowd or a combination of both, perhaps most seated and some standing or leaning against the back wall and along the sides in clear violation of fire safety regulations, these instill in me incapacitating amounts of fright such as what I am feeling now, to the point where it's useless for me to attempt to recite a memorized text or even improvise from vaguely recalled bullet points since frankly I probably couldn't tell you the name of even one of my loved ones at this moment, assuming I even have loved ones, never mind their birthdates or favorite cuts of beef down at Ruth's Chris on special occasions. I am fully aware of the magnitude of this problem and in fact I once joined Toastmasters in an effort to confront the issue head on, but sadly I fled before the first meeting even really got underway, terrified at the prospect of standing and introducing myself, and I remember that during my clumsy chair-clanging flight for the exit I accidently kicked over the styrofoam coffee cup of a man who was absolutely the spitting image of Glen Campbell, not the Branson Missouri Glen Campbell but the younger Glen Campbell, the Glen Campbell who had his own TV show and would improvise songs on his guitar based on suggestions from the studio audience, or was that John Davidson who did the make-up-a-song bit, and for that matter is it John Davidson who performs in Branson Missouri? I am speaking of the John Davidson who later hosted That's Incredible with what's her name who was on Circus of the Stars and Fran Tarkenton the football player, the mad scrambler with the woman's name. Come to think of it, it might be neither Glen Campbell nor John Davidson who did the song routine, if in fact anyone did the song routine at all since I possibly dreamed it. It's quite likely that no host of a variety show in the history of network television has ever done a bit where they make up a song on the spot with audience participation. Mac Davis! It was definitely Mac Davis.

Regarding the pending fiasco, my white knuckle terror has completely driven from my mind exactly what the pending fiasco is or is purported to be, so rather than stand here silently with my arms hanging limply at my sides I thought I'd go ahead and make some impromptu comments about the word pending and the word fiasco, since as it happens these are two of my favorite words in the English language. Pending, where to begin about pending? We could be here all day, haha. An adjective, but also a preposition. Rubs elbows with impending and depending but it's kinda hard to keep it all straight. A slippery little devil, just when you think you've got it cornered it squirts out of your grasp. It suits my affinity for the provisional and undecided. Could be the title of either a lost Henry Green novel or a new Pet Shop Boys album. Pending. As for fiasco, is there a more beautiful word than fiasco? Fiasco is a word whose sound loves my mouth just as its meaning loves my brain, its nakedly sensual attentions are practically whorish. It could be a brand of anchovies, can you see the tin? Fiasco Brand anchovies, prodotto dell'Italia. For the saltiest, slimiest anchovies going, think Fiasco. Or a car, the Ford Fiasco. Careful, it's been reported that if you close the door on your jacket or scarf and then notice while you're on the road and try to open the door just a hair to pull the garment in you better be quick because if the doors are opened at speeds greater than ten miles per hour the car is prone to spontaneous disassembling. It also corrodes or even dissolves if you wash it in hard water. Other words I like today are strudel, inkling, and languish. Thank you and good night.