I have decided to leave civilization as I feel we are a bad match. It's no one's fault and I'm not interested in assigning blame, although I'm sure an objective observer would see my side of things with perfect clarity and join me in condemning civilization as a total asshole from day one. Granted, in any relationship there is always some give and take, some compromises on both sides, but between civilization and me there's been nothing but friction for a long time, tawdry recriminating scenes and doors slammed so hard this one kitchen cupboard always pops open even though it's all the way down the hall. It would be comical if tensions weren't so high when it happens. One time a yellow bag of semi-sweet toll house morsels even fell out and broke open. Those ruined morsels struck me as like so totally symbolic! Spread out on the grid of kitchen tiles, they reminded me of pushpins on a police detective's map showing the locations of serial killer victims. What?

The situation has gotten testy and acrimonious. I think civilization is trying to erode my self-esteem, there are mind games occurring. The mature move is to get out before it comes to physical blows, which is also just common sense on my part since civilization significantly outweighs me and has probably been in real fights too. I've already got a tentative plan, loosely based on the movie Never Cry Wolf, only with no wolves and more crying. I will be residing in a small hut-like structure, maybe a yurt or a wickiup, somewhere in the wilderness of the Great Plains region, but far from any white supremacist enclaves, survivalist compounds, UFO cults, methamphetamine shacks, and Wal-Marts or Sam's Clubs. I just need enough room for a comfortable upholstered chair because when I sit on the floor or ground for very long the lower half of my body goes numb and then when I get up again it tingles but not in a fun or sexy way and if anyone even touches my leg I go berserk. This is only one reason why I've never made love in front of a roaring fireplace. Maybe the people at La-Z-Boy make a tepee, something with a cupholder that can accommodate today's larger cup sizes. I will eat food from tins and have some poignant mementos and keepsakes, small objects to be cherished in the hand and then squeezed when the tears come. Introspection will occur while staring at distant horizons or flocks of birds taking flight in great arcing patterns. An atmosphere of breathless terror will surely distinguish my nights for the first few years but this will just have to be dealt with. (Note to self: research mild narcotics.) I'm not the hardiest or most adaptable person, admittedly, but this is something I must do because I am not going to let that cunt civilization push me around anymore. There will be occasional emotional scenes, a certain amount of rocking and moaning and other episodes suggestive of a lack of poise and absence of self-reliance. But these scenes will be unobserved by other people and so any associated shame would have to come from my deep personal reserves. There, that's self-reliance, isn't it? It shows initiative and problem-solving skill to draw from my shame capital when there's no one around to facilitate the production of fresh shame. If I fell over in the forest and no one was around to see, would I make a sound? Yes I would, a sort of shocked exclamation followed by a tiny whimper. Like "aaaaaa!" followed by a pause and then a much quieter "ohhhhhh..."