I imagine you've formed an opinion about me based on the junk mail addressed to me that slipped through, the stuff that didn't get forwarded, the "...or Current Resident" material. For months after I moved out I had an urge to visit my old place, to introduce myself to you and set the record straight. Look here, a lot of that stuff I never asked for, I ended up on some weird mailing lists. You buy one unusual sex toy, not an item that in any way represents the reality of your erotic tastes, more of a lark really, good for a few laughs ha ha, and suddenly your mailbox is flooded with all kinds of strange offers. The funny part is I never even got much use out of that thing, it had a couple of extra straps whose function I never discovered, they just dangled troublingly, and I found the glistening neon color to be distracting, suggesting a wacky sixties "Laugh-In" vibe, which would be fine for someone accustomed to fantasizing about Ruth Buzzi I suppose. I'm sure there are such people, hairnet fetishists perhaps, more power to 'em I say, it takes all kinds, but it didn't do a thing for me. I do not fantasize about Ruth Buzzi, okay? If nothing else please know that. Thank you for your time.