This morning I awoke from a strange dream to find a weird gash on my right thumb. My cat Sam lounged luxuriously at my feet, so I gave him my best suspicious glare. He looked innocent, sure, but almost too innocent, too studied, too much like a cat who's trying to "look innocent." You cut me bitch, admit it. And I'm tired of waking up in an awkward S-configuration because you've somehow managed to commandeer the entire middle of the bed for yourself. Selfish.
Anyway, my dream. I only remember fragments. Sinister forces instructed me (via a mechanized voice on my answering machine that suggested Alex Trebek on a massive dose of painkillers) to receive secret communications by going to one particular checkout line at the Super Giant grocery store in Silver Spring, Maryland on a particular day, and locating the pegboard display of Brach's candies there, among the other "impulse buy" offerings. I was to find the Jube Jels, and to remove the last bag on the hook and purchase it. It was reinforced to me that I was only to buy the last bag, the one hanging at the rear of the little display hook. I complied with these odd directions, and also purchased some unneeded razor blades and cherry-flavored lip balm so as not to arouse suspicion, as if for some reason the people at Super G would tilt their heads at someone buying only Brach's Jube Jels.
As I drove home I kept glancing at the Jube Jels in the passenger seat, sensing that they were suffused with some mysterious significance, perhaps of an occult nature, maybe even evil. Can any Brach's product be evil? I had to resist the urge to fling them out the window, their mere presence in my car a source of some vague spiritual unrest. When I got home I followed the rest of the instructions, which at first had struck me as absurd but now seemed the most natural thing in the world to do, such was the creeping oddness of the situation. I opened the bag and noticed that as predicted there was only one anise Jube Jel, and I held this anise Jube Jel up to the light and examined it under my magnifying glass, and you can just imagine how shattering it was to find that message printed there in such tiny letters. This message I squinted at, words of such unimaginable horror and despair incongruously inscribed on an anise Jube Jel! I mean, sure, I hate Jube Jels and I especially despise anise Jube Jels, but this was way more than I bargained for. The sight of the smiling bag suddenly struck me as chilling. I couldn't bear to think of what that anise Jube Jel portended for me, for all of us. I couldn't dwell on it, but I couldn't escape it either.
And then, as I mentioned, I felt this stinging pain in my thumb and woke up, and naturally I forgot what the message was, so you can just blame Sam for that. Way to go, champ. Thanks a lot.
