I found a twenty dollar bill on the sidewalk at 32nd and Yamhill today. I was walking along, not another person in sight, and there it was, folded neatly in half and sitting smack in the middle of the sidewalk, on the corner, as if on display. It was placed so perfectly, just so, that I figured it was some kind of plant, a setup. A fake bill left by pranksters, one that would say "Gotcha!" on it in red letters, or tied to a thread and pulled along out of reach, some people snickering from a window. Although wary of being the object of fun, I picked it up and it looked real enough, and then a woman came around the corner. I asked if it was hers and she said no, and that she hadn't seen anyone around. She got into her car and drove off, looking at me. Was she in on it?

It just seemed a bit stagy. I entertained thoughts of a camera crew installed in one of the nearby houses, leaving twenties out and taping people all predictably pocketing the money, for a story on the avarice and shameful dishonesty of people during the holidays, our national Christmas hypocrisy in these cynical times. I continued on my way, carrying the money loosely and quite visibly in my hand, like you'd carry a plastic bag of dogshit, determined to give it to the first person who asked me about it. But I saw no one, the neighborhood streets are generally free of pedestrians at that time of day. There was a small boy walking home from school, but a grown man giving a boy cash in the street would cause more problems than it would solve. Then I thought of giving it to the first homeless person or filthy bum I encountered, that's a good thing to do. But what if the bum I first run into is the one who asked me for money the other day, and when I politely declined called me "fuckin' faggot" under his breath? I wouldn't want to give that guy any money, in fact I'd be pleased to learn of additional misfortune befalling him.

I'm going to the mall later, so I briefly considered giving it to the Salvation Army bell-ringing person you always see at mall entrances. Of course I immediately came to my senses, that's an insane idea. How I despise those fucking Salvation Army freaks with their profoundly annoying bells, their grating bells of doctrinaire hate and greed, and I hate evangelical Christian groups of any kind. Then I hit upon the perfect solution: I'll use the money to purchase booze and smokes for myself. See, this way everybody wins.