My newest ambitious project is to make some inane comment about every word in the English language. I thought instead of starting at the beginning I'd jump in somewhere in the middle, at random. Today we're in P. Shall we? C'mon!

• Pancake. I always wanted to see a restaurant called The Great God Pancake.
• Pancreas. This is a gland that resides somewhere in the human body, who knows where. It secretes something. Oh! Insulin, duh. Maybe other things too for all I know. The inside of the human body involves a lot of secreting and vital oozing. Most humans have only one pancreas, because the plural "pancreases" is extremely awkward.
• Panda. This is a type of lazy mammal that we receive as occasional gifts from the government of China in exchange for our continued inaction concerning their outrageous human rights abuses. For a while it was a great public sport to gather and watch pandas copulate, which looks very similar to two plush animals held together in the hands of a child, except for the agonized keening of the female. They are not bears, but they do come in Regular and Giant sizes. Some pandas are red, possibly from shame, as opposed to black and white pandas who sleep just fine at night, thankyouverymuch.
• Pandemic. Every few years I mean to find out the difference between "pandemic" and "epidemic", but then I get distracted.
• Pandemonium. This word originated in Milton's Paradise Lost, and refers to the capital of Hell. I think it sounds like an enormous pipe organ that would be played at a Satanist wedding.
• Panic. This word can often be found in front of other words, like "button" and "attack" and "stricken", and can be treated with Paxil. The emotional state, not the word.
• Pant. This is a verb meaning to make quick rapid breaths, like a dog. Make it plural and it's a noun, somehow both singular and plural, meaning one or more garments whose purpose is to cover the legs, buttocks, and genitals. It used to be that only men wore pants, and women covered those features with other types of garments. Dogs, male or female, rarely wear pants.

Well, clearly this is going to take longer than I anticipated. It's not helping that I'm skipping over a lot of words. Maybe I'll scale back my plan and just stick with one letter. And even then it might be better to choose one of the "junk" letters, anything after T for instance. We don't really need anything after T, those letters are such crap. I call T "the last classy letter."