I don't high five. I'm not comfortable with high fiving, I think it's stupid, it looks stupid and it feels stupid, and neither will I engage in multi-part hipster handshakes, which also look and feel stupid. If you raise your hand to high five me I will look at your hand and do nothing, the way a dog looks at your finger when you point to where the stick is, and that's an awkward moment for both of us, but for you especially since I'm used to it. If you try to involve me in a multi-part hipster handshake I will shake your hand once in the traditional way and then walk off, leaving you to awkward solo gesturing. This is "guy stuff" that I don't take part in. It's nothing principled, I just don't care for it. It's now increasingly girl stuff as well as guy stuff, which just shows that each gender is good at picking up the worst practices of the other. Among the myriad ways of dividing people into groups, there are those (both girls and guys) who take part in guy stuff and those who do not.

Also, don't give me an ironic or sarcastic high five, intended as some kind of hilarious meta-commentary about my well-known refusal to high five, very wink wink nudge nudge. That was funny exactly once (actually it was funny exactly never, but I thought I'd be generous this one time).

Just to reiterate, I will high five with neither men nor women, nor children of either gender (in fact, especially not with children, as this involves a different but related set of problematic issues), nor will I shake hands with men, women, or children in any way except the traditional manner. I will shake a dog's paw in any way the dog wishes.