Taurean, you are stubborn and earthy, with cloven hooves, an ungulate. You are raised for slaughter. Your obstinacy is well-known, as is the pleasure you take in chewing. Your devotion to the status quo and unwavering loyalty make you ludicrously susceptible to the coarsest kinds of demagoguery. Your personality is stolid and you tend to just stand there, for instance on a meadow. Your emotional engagement is on the level of a root vegetable, yet you are appallingly self-righteous. You ball your fists inside your pockets as if people can't see that. You have the most unimaginative taste in shoes, like, ever. Famous Taureans include rock and roll musician Billy Squier, automobile the Ford Taurus, and Scottish philosopher David Hume.
| January | You are advised to avoid crowds and solitude. A man with jaundice will make you a handsome offer, which you would be wise to decline. Mid-month brings a very special opportunity, but you will be looking at the back of your hand and miss it. You will find that your erotic interest in flightless birds is not, alas, reciprocated. |
| February | Carnal temptations abound. At a rest stop on the interstate you will be stripped of all pretense and not realize it. |
| March | Stay indoors, order in, pull the shades. Potential hazards involve children, water, inflatable devices. Hunker down, practice your counting. Chew. |
| April | Coast is clear, venture out. If you have an adventurous bone in your bovine body you are encouraged to take the tiniest possible risk and then congratulate yourself about it ceaselessly. Avoid fabric softener and concertina wire. |
| May | Your birth month, ground zero, the scorched blast zone from which ripple the destructive waves of your poisonous existence. You will receive presents, including a gift card from Target. Take stock, ruminate as is your tiresome habit. Around the 20th someone from your distant past will make contact for the purpose of settling old scores. Review old diaries so you remember which lies you told this individual. |
| June | A black cloud hangs over June. The stench of death. You will eat at Arby's. |
| July | Some important choices to be made involving breads and other starches. Your sleep patterns will undergo an upheaval, causing you to retire in the evening and awaken in the morning. Avoid friendly people. Sex is advised, and lots of it, but do not enjoy it. |
| August | You will attend a concert at an Indian casino early in the month. Everything looks hazy after that. |
| September | You will meet someone new who comes into your workplace. He will overuse the phrase "you got that right" and you will despise his personality but nevertheless he will give you crabs. |
| October | Do not cross international boundaries, do not read magazines. When counting off salient points with your fingers during a heated discussion with a friend, start with the pinkie. |
| November | You will die suddenly after entering the wrong door, making December's forecast unnecessary. |