One of the perks of taking it on all fours like a dog is that you get to feel, however briefly, that someone is really behind you 100%. Thank you, I'll be at Nitwits in Sioux Falls later this month. Ever since that long ago time as a boy when I was touched inappropriately at the Pants Corral I'd longed to experience the special magic of being brutally penetrated by someone wearing a vest, smock, or apron, preferably in navy blue. Years later I was touched appropriately by an employee of Radio Shack and it just wasn't the same, although the facial tic was interesting. Now when I'm touched appropriately I like to imagine I'm being touched inappropriately, although there are only a very few ways a grown man can be touched inappropriately these days. It's one of life's bitter ironies that degradation is almost always wasted on people who can't or willfully refuse to appreciate it. What I really need is to be sodomized by someone with Tourette's who's running late for a dental appointment clear across town.